Krisanna Jeffery
Fear of Spoiling Children-A Confusing
Issue for New Parents New parents
often wonder…“Is it possible to spoil my child?” Definitely yes! We can spoil them by making them
more insecure, anxious, inhibited, and emotionally repressed. This has been accomplished
in many children of our culture. How do we do it? Well, it starts in early infancy. Since the
time of Dr Spock, parents were taught to not always answer their child’s cry for
comfort, for fear of spoiling them. Many parents (now grandparents) took this advice very
seriously. They didn’t realize, that how we respond to their cues for comforting,
will influence how they feel about themselves and relate to other people in their future.
Parents were led to believe that continual comforting could be spoiling. But there is a
vast difference that begs to be recognized. According to
pediatrician, Dr.Meriam Rossi, research has shown that how consistently you comfort your
baby when sick, upset, or hurt, especially in the first year, is extremely important. By
responding to your child’s cues for comfort with acceptance and loving gestures, your
child will soon learn to calm and comfort itself. (the payoff!) On the other
hand, consistently making light of a child’s discomfort, (big boys don’t cry)
(don’t be a cry baby), trying to distract a crying
baby with food, or getting annoyed, can be eventually interpreted as
rejection. Eventually, the child learns to keep their feelings to themselves, fearing
ridicule, teasing, or upsetting the parent. They can also learn such troublesome core
beliefs such as “I am not worthy of Love”, “The world is not a safe
place” Inconsistent
acceptance of feelings by parents, makes it difficult for some individuals to develop
close, loving relationships later because unconsciously, they don’t feel worthy of
love. As we all know, boys particularly have been discouraged from crying and feeling, even as infants. We have very intense cultural
conditioning around boys and feelings. This does not help them become loving, caring, or
stable men. But both
sexes can develop many undesirable defense mechanisms to reduce the likelihood of
rejection in their lives when solid attachment has not taken place. Perhaps you know someone like this. A child who
gets rejected for having uncomfortable feelings, has to work very hard to get their parents attention. They can
become very demanding. Some demanding children have been “spoiled”, not
necessarily through over indulgence but often through lack of adequate comforting. They
have not been helped to feel secure in the world and worthy of love. I know that
most parents want to be the best parent they can be. So don’t be afraid to comfort
your baby anytime, regardless of the criticism you might get. It’s a safe rule to say that loving and
accepting your child won’t spoil them, but not comforting them consistently when they
ask for it, probably will. Let’s
support parents who are creating a more loving
society. Because we could sure use it! For more information, please contact Krisanna Jeffery Copyright © 2003 Krisanna Jeffery www.Krisanna.com |