Krisanna Jeffery Survival Skills for Conflict
Couples and
parents often come to counselling because of a high level of conflict in their homes. Most
of us had very poor models for resolving conflict. Some of us had models who avoided and internalized their conflicts (often hurting
themselves in the process). Some of us had models who were violent and aggressive in their
approach to conflict. Very few of us had models who were assertive and responsible. What
role models did you have?
Handling
conflict is a learned skill. Most of us simply haven’t learned the skills necessary
to handle it in an evolved way. Until we do, there will continue to be aggression,
violence, and on the largest scale, war. The same skills are necessary, whether you are a
parent, partner, or a country at war. Without such skills we will always have problems
with relationships.
In order to
assess your own ability to resolve conflict, check out how often you are able to exercise
the following skills during a conflict situation. Perhaps you can use the one’s you
are weak at to focus your future learning . ü
Are you able to breathe and stay grounded? ü
Can you recognize when you’re
embroiled in a battle? Nothing gets resolved in
a battle. ü
Are you able to call a cease-fire? This is a time to go cool off after you have recognized that nothing you do or
say will be resourceful and can only lead to hurt. ü
Are you able to solicit the other
person’s agreement before starting a
conflict resolution. Having the other’s cooperation is absolutely necessary to
resolve a conflict. So don’t waste your time by trying to make someone deal with a
conflict unless they are willing. ü
Are you willing to take the risk to be vulnerable? In order for the conflict to end,
someone has to take the risk to be vulnerable. Talk about feelings! Be honest! (yup, this
is very hard) ü
Are you able to listen to the other’s side without getting
defensive? Sometimes just being quiet and other times making sure you understood what the
other is feeling and thinking. ü
Are you able to stay clear on your intention to resolve a conflict
or do you sink into having to be right or trying to control the other person by making
them see it your way? ü
Do you know the difference between
“resolving” a conflict and finding a
“solution”? A common trap is to think you have to
try and continue a conflict until there is a solution found. In reality, it’s
probably best not to intentionally seek a solution during a conflict resolution. If a
“solution” presents itself, great! Instead, try to attain “resolution”,
which is simply seeing and hearing each other in great detail, with clarity and feeling.
Being heard in this manner is often enough to end the conflict and allow you to work out
reasonable alternatives. Conflicts can be used to bring you
closer to someone or to create distance. We get to choose!
For more information, please contact Krisanna Jeffery Copyright © 2003 Krisanna Jeffery www.Krisanna.com |